If you’ve done hot yoga before, you know that once the heaters come on, all bets are off.
You’re going to need to prepare yourself both mentally and physically. If you’re like me, you will become so paranoid about possibly fainting in class that you will drink approximately seven water bottles before you go to bed the night before. You might also find yourself saying things like “I AM SO EXCITED!” and “I REALLY LOVE YOGA,” because if you say it enough, the class won’t be as hard…right?
You show up to Strom just early enough to grab prime mat space but just late enough that all of the experienced yogis are in the front row. You immediately feel intimidated by said yogis. The heaters are running, but like the fool you are, you think, “This isn’t so bad.” Too bad you’re sweating before you even start moving.
It’s mind over matter, baby, and you’ve got to get it together. It’s all easy enough until the instructor starts leading you through “basic” poses. And, to authenticate the feeling of writhing in Hell, she starts asking you to hold all of these poses for what feels like an eternity. You’re sweating profusely, wishing you were anywhere but in that room. Isn’t yoga about relaxing? What is this? It was not this hot a minute ago.
Just when you think that it can’t get worse, your sweat starts getting into your eyes. It burns. People start peeling off layers of clothing. The girl next to you looks like some kind of yoga goddess emerging from a lotus flower as she flies through these difficult poses. Just pretend you look like her instead of a deformed rotisserie pretzel. Oh, maybe avoid looking at yourself in the mirror, too.
Your muscles start to fatigue, and you are wondering what new Hell your instructor is going to bring you. You want me to put my leg where? At this point, your body is screaming for water because you have officially sweated out all seven water bottles that you consumed before even starting this class. You take a drink break, which is really just a chance to realize that a drink is not going to save you now.
Then, the inevitable happens: you slip in your own sweat. Your uncoordinated yelp has officially disturbed your classmates. Whatever, you think as you try to wipe your hands on your shirt, only to have them come off more sweaty than before.
Finally, after a few more ridiculous moves that are fit for someone in a traveling carnival, you are told to lay down, relax and reflect. Perhaps you feel at ease as your instructor tells you to remember that, “You may be a part of the universe, but you also are the universe.” Or you laugh because your universe just consists of what you’re going to get for lunch.
When your instructor says “Namaste,” you may not know exactly what that means, but you feel like saying it to everyone. Finally, you’re actually relaxed, you feel great and you’ve had the workout of your life. Now hit the showers, because you smell.
