Dear Guy with the Electric Skateboard

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Photo by Robert Carter.

Today, I take a moment of silence in the middle of the crowded bridge over Pickens Street to mourn the coffee now spilled because you bumped into my backpack while speeding past. You wouldn’t know about this tragedy, since the symphony of a flying vanilla latte took place in the air already far behind you. 

I don’t mean to take this all out on you, so don’t feel alone. I see your tribe of motorized skateboarders all the time. I try to turn a blind eye, try to ignore the mockery this is to modern transportation, try to imagine I go to a college that is filled with nice things like biking, scootering — oh, and of course, actual skateboarding. 

Perhaps you took Sonic the Hedgehog too literal as a child when he said, “Gotta go fast!” and while we all aspire to fulfill our childhood dreams, super speed is where most draw a hard line. Not you, though, and I guess it shouldn’t surprise me given the circumstances of school policy. Somehow, the craft of pressing a button to move oneself is acceptable on campus solely for electric skateboarders, but not those with a moped or hover board. In fact, I have shared many mutual meetings of eyes with my fellow simple pedestrians as you ride by us. These shared moments are those of complete confusion and occasionally disdain. After all, most of us do not desire to live either fast or furiously. 

Please take this personally, as it is meant to be. Your electric skateboard is the Segway of board sports, and everyone knows it. 

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