If you’ve drooled over a foreign exchange student with a hot accent or dreamed of backpacking through Europe, but you aren’t confident that you can make those things happen, acting cultured will convince people (like your parents and mysterious Latin eye-candy) that you’re worth their time and money. Thanks to globalization and modern technology, appearing more cultured than you really are is easy as…una, due, tre!

You know that guy. The one in your Friday 8 a.m. who looks like he was hit by a truck and has the stench of an ashtray.

How about that girl? The one who’s clearly doing a walk of shame and has the messed-up hair and mascara to prove it.

Bullsh!tting: The Five Points To Getting A Girl In Five Points

You know that hot, hippie chick from oceanography? The one with the long blonde hair and big blue eyes? Guess what? She’s not there for the free trip to the beach, and she’s definitely not going to go out with you if she finds that you only write on the front of your notebook paper. So, listen up, you resource-depleting nature-hater! I’ve got a temporary and deceitful solution to your planet-killing problem.