How to Bullsh!t an InterviewWritten by Natalie Swift & Hannah Lathan
Congrats! You’ve scored an interview for a coveted summer job. If that time you made an impromptu toast for the best man’s flip cam at a friend’s wedding is your only public speaking experience, we’ve got you covered. Prepare to trade that case of Bud Light for a briefcase once you work a little bullsh*tting magic for your future boss.
Sleep matters so get a lot of it, but set an alarm. No, set three. Arrive late to an interview, and look foolish before you get a chance to speak. Please utilize Google Maps.
Blow your interviewer away, not with a stream of hot air from your unprepared mouth but with responses that you practiced on your phone’s voice recorder, which you later practiced in the shower. Ask yourself, what do you want to learn from this job? What ideas for the position will you propose? It’s hard to dismiss a good idea, and it will be harder for them to dismiss you, too.
Sure, you emailed your resumé two months ago, but don’t count on your interviewer to have it on hand. Print a few copies so you and the person across the desk can both reference it. Write a cover letter (and attach it to your resumé) if you haven’t already done so.
Take deep breaths when entering the interview room. Have confidence to initiate a handshake, and make eye contact. They want to see if you can handle this job. Walk in like you’ve already got it.
Your hands are clammy, and a stress migraine is forming between your eyebrows. No one has to know you’ve caught the nerves. Lean slightly forward in your chair to convey interest in the discussion. Uncross your arms to avoid seeming disengaged.
Mail a letter after you’re asked to the interview, expressing your excitement and gratitude for the opportunity. Follow-up letters will help you stand out too, but take advantage of the chance to impress them before you arrive. They will be eager to meet you.
“What are your weaknesses?” seems like a trick question, but, really, it is a chance to show your best self. Describe a time in which you made a work-related mistake. Pick one that taught you something. Be honest and humble. Explain your blunder (without justifying) and, most importantly, the actions you took to correct it.
So, like, the interview’s going pretty well, but, uhh, you’re kind of like nervous because they just asked an, um, unexpected question. Like, chill. Take a second to collect your thoughts before spewing monosyllabic word vomit. That’s, like, annoying.
Texting. Tweeting. Temple Run-ning. Just leave your phone in the car; then slip that fact into your interview. Employers will rejoice after meeting college students who understand how to be fully present.
You’ve always intended to become fluent in Espanol, HTML and AP Style, but you can’t say more than, “I have a cat in my pants,” in Spanish; you only work in code when you organize notebooks by color, and you’re an oxford comma’s biggest fan. If your resumé says otherwise, you’ve crossed the bullsh*tting line. No mientas! (Don’t lie.)
Apply cologne or perfume with caution. No employer wants headaches, especially from someone who doesn’t work for them yet.
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