We all have weaknesses--especially you. But it’s okay. The first step to overcome a problem is admit to a magazine you have one. Take this accredited questionnaire if you’re ready to face the reason that you experience 3 a.m. guilt trips and removed “productive” from your vocabulary. Answer honestly to find directions to the proper rehabilitation facility.
How much do you tip on a $50 tab at a nice restaurant?
a. I use my smartphone’s tip calculator. It’s synced with a Service Industry index traded on the New York Stock Exchange.
b. Five percent. They only gave me one Andes mint with my check. Can you believe that?!
c. How could anyone spend so much at the mall’s food court?!
d. 20 percent! The service was fan-f*cking-tastic!
e. Shhh. I’m playing Angry Birds. Go away.
What’s your dream car?
a. Just Google image search “Lamborghini,” and pick the first result. That’s what I want.
b. A chocolate-colored 1960s Cadillac with caramel interior accents and a Toblerone hanging from the rearview mirror.
c. Two Bugatti Veyrons.
d. A stretch Hummer limo, bitches!
e. A light-cycle from Tron. OR The Warthog from HALO.
Your roommate is studying for the LSAT. How do you behave?
a. I’m on standby, ready to support her with Wikipedia and Yahoo Answers.
b. I create a reward-based incentive program, using M&M’s for correct answers and stale bread for incorrect ones.
c. I browse Amazon for deals on overcoats.
d. Damn it! I forgot she needed the apartment tonight. I have to cancel my party.
e. Like usual. I play WoW all night.
Your high school buddy needs your address to mail his wedding invitation. You..
a. Tweet him the link to the Google Street View of your house, tag him in a Facebook post and write a scathing blog entry wondering why he can’t just invite you via email. It is 2012.
b. Send the info and ask if there will be a chocolate fondue fountain at the reception.
c. Ask where he and his fiancé registered.
d. Send him that sh*t quick! He’s a damn fool if he thinks you’re missing a wedding!
e. Use the chat channel to send it. He’s in your guild.
You’re at a gala benefitting cancer research. Heidi Klum and Hugh Jackman sit on either side of you. What do you discuss?
a. I Google their personal information to ask really invasive questions!
b. I share several slices of tiramisu as we discuss their healthy lifestyles.
c. I stare at Heidi Klum’s dress all night. End of story.
d. Hugh and I reenact that sweet f*ckin’ fight scene from Van Helsing while Heidi cheers us on!
e. Mr. Jackman autographs my copy of Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. I attempt to ignore Ms. Klum’s cleavage all night.
A: the internet
You are a digital being connected by an Ethernet-umbilical cord to the data-uterus that is the internet. But with help, you can shed your dependency on social networks and 30 second videos and live life anew with tangible friends and a healthy supply of vitamin D.
B: sweet tooth
You tread a dangerously delectable path. Studies indicate you may be responsible for the mutagen strain of Type 3 diabetes. But you can also feel guilty about your numerous cavities, that Hershey’s Visa Rewards Card, and that fact that your blood sugar levels could feed an entire village in Zambia for a month.
C: retail therapy
A credit card in your hand is a machete hacking away at your credit score with every swipe. Put it down. Please. For your own good. We don’t want to see you and your collection of designer handbags and DVD box sets out on the streets.
Please! There are children listening!!! You pose no physical threat to yourself, but your vocabulary makes everywhere you go sound like a pro wrestling match. We appreciate your enthusiasm, but tone it down a bit.
E: video games
Your friend with the internet addiction is doing well now. He got a dog, joined a water polo team, and volunteers at the Boys and Girls Club. He misses you. Reality doesn’t have dragons or cyborgs, but it does have motorcycles, waterfalls, and live jazz. Put down the controller and let’s go to the beach.
F: chronic “self-stimulation”
Did you answer any of the questions? Oh goodness. Consider studying carpentry. It keeps your hands busy. I really hope you’re reading this in a private place.