As the harsh cold of the winter months approaches, those of you fortunate enough to grow facial hair must soon choose how best to warm your face. A near infinite array of options awaits your keen eye, but I’ve graciously condensed your choices to five styles based on a psychological evaluation developed by the finest minds in my head. Please answer all questions as honestly as you can while others are judging your responses.
1. How do you start your day?
a. Meditating under a waterfall.
b. With a few pints of dark lager beer or mead.
c. Next to a dime whose name I don’t know.
d. In my boxers with some toast.
e. With a Pop-Tart or a Toaster Strudel. Depends!
2. What do you eat for lunch?
a. I catch trout with my bare hands and roast it over an open fire.
b. Elk.
c. Some hibachi with lots of sake! ’Naw mean?!
d. Leftover toast.
e. Whatever Mom packed!
3. Someone cuts you off in traffic. How do you react?
a. I contemplate my place in the universe and hope he does too.
b. I follow him home and kill a tree to block his driveway.
c. I don’t know! I’m usually watching a Pixar movie in my steering wheel’s DVD player!
d. I lower my sunglasses and “mean mug.”
e. I don’t usually notice. I play a lot of Game Boy.
4. Where do you hide your spare house key?
a. Under a boulder only I am strong enough to move.
b. In my tree house.
c. There’s one in each of my kicks! (That means “shoes.”)
d. In a tree knot, Boo Radley style.
e. In my Trapper Keeper.
5. What’s on your workout playlist?
a. Tibetan monks and Jackie Chan’s album.
b. CCR, the Avett Brothers and the Infamous Stringdusters.
c. Drake, Rick Ross and Nicki Minaj dubstep!
d. Jack Johnson, Bob Dylan and Ben Folds.
e. OMG! So much dubstep and Linkin Park!
6. Dogs or cats?
a. All living things.
b. Wolves...or a mountain lion.
c. Dawgs!
d. Dogs. I love dogs.
e. Cats are stupid!
7. How do you handle constructive criticism?
a. I appreciate the chance to learn and improve myself.
b. About as well as I handle a STIHL Magnum Chain Saw.
c. That implies I have areas to improve!
d. Pretty well. My band members are really open with each other.
e. Stop telling me what to do! JEEEEEZ!
Add ’em up!
Mostly A’s
You’re a Fu Manchu. You possess self-control, discipline and an insightful mind. People look to you for aid in times of crises of the mind and heart.
Mostly B’s
You’re a handlebar mustache. People don’t use the word “masculine” to describe you because real men don’t use words; they speak with their actions. When you’re sad, you cry large bodies of water. When you’re happy, you plant mountains.
Mostly C’s
You’re a chinstrap. You have a hard time following through on all your plans. And actually, you didn’t finish reading this quiz because your obnoxious ringtone directed your attention to a picture message of your friend making a butt crack with his elbow.
Mostly D’s
You’re stubble. Life problems roll off you like water off a duck’s back. You’re chill. Almost too chill. People are disconcerted by how relaxed you are all the time. But that doesn’t bother you.
Mostly E’s
You’re (partial) upper-lip hair. You have lots of potential. Really, you do! Right now, you may be small and awkward, but in time you might blossom into a shining beacon of excellence. For now, though, just shave that thang until it grows in all the way.
