Saturday, 06 November 2010 01:25

Bullsh!tting: How to Act Like You Care about the Environment

Written by  Cori Hanky
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Bullsh!tting: How to Act Like You Care about the Environment
You know that hot, hippie chick from oceanography? The one with the long blonde hair and big blue eyes? Guess what? She’s not there for the free trip to the beach, and she’s definitely not going to go out with you if she finds that you only write on the front of your notebook paper. So, listen up, you resource-depleting nature-hater! I’ve got a temporary and deceitful solution to your planet-killing problem.
First, learn the environmentalist lingo. Memorize these basic associations:

1. Houses made of tires = good
2. Anything industrial or plastic = bad
3. Global climate change = really bad

Next, dish out the dollars. I know; this is supposed to be about reducing consumption. But it takes money to make sure everyone knows you care. Purchase the following items to announce your “devotion” to the cause:

1. Nalgene water bottle, $10. For less than a case of Natty, give the appearance of being environmentally conscious and get an indestructible container for your beer -- I mean, non-bottled water?
2. Toyota Prius, $22,800. Kidding. Unless you’re desperate and armed with Daddy’s Visa Black, just go for a meaningless bumper sticker. It will confuse other drivers enough that they forget you’re driving an obnoxiously large SUV.
3. Energy-efficient lightbulbs, $6 each. Just buy a few; no one will know that the lamps with shades are single-handedly destroying the ozone.

Now, for the hard part. This, unfortunately, involves actually making an effort, but it’s nothing too strenuous and is utterly essential. You must (MUST!) do the following:

1. Recycle. Sticking the plastic bin in plain sight out front will not only get you some points with eco-friendly passersby, but it’ll also make cleaning up after a weekend rager much easier.
2. Ride your bike. It saves the planet and money, which you’ll definitely need after your shopping spree.
3. Grow something. You don’t have to know how to cook with it; you just have to tell everyone you cultivate your own food -- no need to mention the toxic pesticides.  

Okay, so there’s more to environmentalism than meets the apathetic eye, but I promise that if you follow my advice, Rain or Sunshine or whatever her name is will (might) invite you to her next Greenpeace protest. Score!

Finally, I must remind you that there really is no substitute for learning the facts surrounding environmentalism. At some point, Hippie Chick is going to know you’re just bullshitting.
Last modified on Saturday, 06 November 2010 21:15
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