Not from "Twilight," but might as well be
At the Russell House: Twilight Eclipse (Oct. 8)
“The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” is a lot like the stomach flu: quick, nasty and likely
to induce vomiting. The sequel to arguably the worst movie I had to review last
year, “Eclipse” is slightly less boring and significantly more stupid. I guess that
technically makes it better. Picking up where “New Moon” left off, this installment
continues the timeless story of sparkly vampires, shirtless werewolves and the
women who love them (this Tuesday on "Maury"). I can tell you’re excited already.
I’m not exaggerating when I say without a doubt that “Eclipse” makes no damn sense
whatsoever. Take for example, the scene where a vampire punches a guy’s head
causing it to bloodlessly explode with the sound effect of a pot shattering. Or the
random Prohibition-Era-rape flashback, which seems a strange thing to include in what
I thought was a kid’s movie. In addition, the dialogue sounds like it was penned by
someone who has never once interacted with another human being. An example:
Edward: “Marry me.”
Bella: “I can’t, I have to be back at four.”
Oscar-worthy. Other than the occasional “so stupid, it’s funny” moment, “Eclipse” is
more of the same boring garbage we sat through two times before.
Overall when it comes to vampire movies, “Eclipse” ranks worse than “Jesus Christ:
Vampire Hunter” but slightly better than “Bleeders” (which is about incestuous mutant
midget-vampires battling a fat alcoholic Rutger Hauer). This brings me to my main
point: almost all vampire movies are really bad. The original Dracula is honest-to-
god pretty boring. “Near Dark” is just “Twilight” with texans. “Dracula 3000” had robot
prostitutes and Coolio . “Blade Trinity” somehow found a way to make even Blade suck.
Sure there are a few exceptions (“Blade II,” “Let the Right One In,” the first half of “the
Lost Boys”) but can these movies really make up for “Van Helsing”? I don’t think so. As
bad as Twilight is, it’s unfair to claim it ruined the vampire movie. After all, how do you
kill what’s already dead?
“The Lion King”
a. You watch your father get trampled by a herd of stampeding animals and die. b. Your uncle tells you it’s your fault. c. You eat bugs, and your only friends are a warthog, meerkat and a voodoo-performing baboon.