“The Hangover”
Sure, Zach Galifianakis and his beard are hilarious, but we get scared when we don’t remember an hour in Five Points, much less an entire night in Vegas. Stolen cop cars, naked Asian mob bosses and a baby are stressful enough without waking up to a tiger in your room.

“The 40-Year Old Virgin”
While it may not be applicable to some, for those looking to cash in their V-cards, this movie hits a sensitive nerve for the Marys everywhere. Imagine yourself in your 40s still putting the you-know-what on a pedestal.

“Post Grad”
Alexis Bledel graduates from college and knows exactly where her life is headed, but when she doesn’t land her dream job, she’s forced to move back in with the parentals and to search for work —any work. The movie leaves you with a churning sense of panic and no = comfort at all in the fact that you’ll be successful after college. We’d rather check out more exciting options for undecided postgraduates (see page 30!).

“Twilight”
If “Twilight” is supposed to be the story of perfect romance, does that mean the perfect guy is a pasty, wordless bloodsucker whose few real life skills seem to involve jumping on trees and smelling you? And is the perfect girl really supposed to be a hair-pulling, lip-biting whiner who has no friends, interests, career ambitions or life in general? And is it not even remotely scary that Edward is being chased by thousands of fanatic young girls, teenagers and batty soccer moms with vamp stamps?

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
Since when does dropping Veruca into a furnace (to her own greedy-bitch hell), watching Violet almost inflate to death, shrinking that obnoxious cowboy kid and drowning the fat, foreign one in chocolate constitute as family-friendly fun? Willy Wonka, you are one creepy-ass man (especially when in tunnels).