The Doublewide Award for Worst Trailer of the Year: “Alpha and Omega”
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If you can stomach this mess of clichés, bad acting and wolf-sex puns without emitting a 2.5-minute groan, I frankly believe you are entitled to some kind of humanitarian award. To make up for that catastrophe, here is the excellent trailer for Alejandro Jodorowsky's “The Holy Mountain,” which is as hilariously nonsensical and weird as far as art house films go.
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While not a bad movie per se, Scott Pilgrim only appealed to a niche audience. Unfortunately for Universal Pictures, that niche audience torrents movies rather than paying to see them. With DVD sales, the film will probably break even, but the decision to spend 90 million dollars on a film about video games definitely got somebody fired.
The M. Night Shyamalan Award for Worst Twist in a Major Motion Picture: “Remember Me”
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If you don’t want to have a terrible movie from months ago spoiled, stop reading. Towards the end of “Remember Me,” Robert Pattinson finally stops being a moody doofus, gets the girl and then heads to meet his father and repair their relationship. The only problem is that Dad’s office is in the World Trade Center, and it happens to be September 11, 2001 that day. This is basically the equivalent of having “The Breakfast Club” end with a dramatic reveal that the high school is actually a concentration camp, and Judd Nelson is set to be executed. Talk about tasteless.
Jose Canseco Award for Dedication in Steroid Usage: “The Expendables”
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It would have been called “Juice” if the Tupac movie didn’t already use that title. Seriously.
The Freddy Got Fingered Award for Worst Title (Tie): “Bitch Slap” / “Trash Humpers”
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"Bitch Slap" was an astonishingly bad exploitation movie that has the dubious honor of being slightly better-received than “Biodome” and “Gigli,” while “Trash Humpers” was spawned by notorious indie hack Harmony Kormine and had this as a poster. So, naturally, both titles were suitably awful.
The Rick Ross Award for Lifetime Achievement in Being a Boss: Ving Rhames
The incredibly mediocre “Piranha 3D” made clear for me one important fact: Ving Rhames is a boss. Whether in good movies (“Pulp Fiction,” “Bringing out the Dead”) or bad (almost everything else), the man is entertaining as hell and a bona fide badass. So here's to you, Mr. Rhames, and your long running career of being the man.