Driving in the city of Columbia is a refreshing, relaxing and rewarding experience. The roads are in immaculate condition, free of potholes, clean and rush hour traffic isn’t all that bad either, especially around campus between the hours of 5 and 7 pm. Just kidding, that’s a bold-faced lie. The only things worse than driving in Columbia is root canals without anesthesia and those tiny, neon-green tricycles that are plaguing the downtown area. Yes, I’m talking about Zapp Scooters.
I’ll start by saying I certainly recognize the usefulness of these alien-like three-wheelers, but I can’t ignore the hindrance they’ve become. Let’s start with how ridiculous the people riding them look. You’d think the tricycle layout would impart some sense of stability, but I’ve never seen a Zapp rider who doesn’t look like they’re doing their best impression of a Weeble Wobble. They bounce off the lane markings like a bowling ball off the bumpers at AMF in Cayce. There’s nothing like the rage you feel when you have to pass a sister of Chi-Pot-Le or whatever on the right because she’s doing twenty under the speed limit on Blossom. Get it together sweetie, your lime green tricycle is inconveniencing the rest of us.
Boys, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. What is with the obsession men have with riding them around in groups? I know most of you don’t have the brain capacity beyond that of a pack animal (hence why you’d be willing to be seen in public on top of a scooter that looks like the aftermath of a long night of fishbowls) but really, you’re blocking the entirety of Main St. and I have places to be. And on the subject of brain power, for God’s sake, put a helmet on. You don’t need to lose anymore IQ points in a fender bender with a 4Runner. And finally, stop charging Zapp rides to your parent’s credit cards–they’ll thank you when they pay off your student loans for you.
