Ah, Tinder. Some say it’s just a place to find a quick hook-up, but sometimes, in between swipes, there is love to be found. Other times—well, at least there’s a good story.
“Saved by…the Virgin Mary?”
Vanessa*, a senior, shared her nightmare of a Tinder date. “When I first matched Colin, I thought he was really nice,” she says. “We were actually having an intelligent conversation, which was a nice change of pace from the usual, ‘Hey, wanna hookup?’ messages. So, we talked for about a week and then he asked if I would like to go out to dinner that weekend. I obviously said yes, because who doesn’t like a free dinner with a nice boy? He even suggested Tsunami, which meant he just got me.” This is definitive proof that sushi is the way to a girl’s heart.
“When the day comes for us to go out, I’m really excited for our date—mainly for the sushi—but that afternoon, he texts me and asks me if I want him to cook for me,” Vanessa continues. “Against my better judgment, I accepted the invite to go to the apartment of a complete stranger.” Don’t worry, kids: she assured me she took her pepper spray with her and has taken numerous self-defense classes.
“Turns out, he doesn’t have a television,” she says. “He doesn’t have Wi-Fi. He also doesn’t have a shirt on when he answers the door. I’m beginning to get a bit uncomfortable when things start to move downhill…quickly. He informs me that he is cooking chili, which is really just rice, beans and a little bit of meat. How romantic: beans for our first meal together. I can usually keep a conversation with a brick wall, so the fact that I was straining to keep this conversation going is very telling. Suddenly, in walks his roommate, who I end up talking to more than my Tinder date. Little did I know, the roommate was joining us for dinner as well.”
She continues, “So, our bean dinner was served, and throughout the whole thing, the two of them are puffing their E-cigarettes; how charming. Finally, he suggests we go to his room and watch the DVD I brought on my laptop. Before it even starts, he excuses himself and comes back four minutes later with nothing on but his underwear. I am mortified. I keep trying to figure out what I said to make him think any of this was okay!
“Once again, in an attempt to be polite, I suggest we just watch the movie. He’s still puffing away on his E-cig—still annoying the hell out of me! Suddenly, he leaves the room to go smoke with his roommate. I wait 10 minutes and finally decide to leave. I start packing up my purse when I see it. On his wall… staring at me. A photo of the Virgin Mary. I leave the room, but I can’t find him. I look out on the balcony and there he is…in his underwear, smoking with his roommate. I just yell, ‘I think I’m going to go!’ That’s when he asks me, ‘Are you playing me? I don’t like having my heart broken.’ No, sir. I am not playing you, but I am getting the hell out of here.”
“I met my longest relationship on tinder.”
“My longest ‘thing’ in college was with a guy on Tinder,” says Sarah*, a senior. “The first time James and I met in person, we met at the library.” Ladies, you know you’ve found a good guy when he asks to meet at the library. Sarah says things could have been awkward, but the two hit it off right away.
“We had a lot of mutual friends, and he remembered meeting me before,” Sarah says. “He even remembered our conversations, but I didn’t really remember him at all. I guess meeting over Tinder was good because he was super shy and it gave him a way to talk to me again. It didn’t matter that we met on Tinder, though. We had so many mutual friends that people didn’t even really suspect it at all.”
A common thing with most of these “Tinder relationships” is the idea that meeting through the app is weird or something to be ashamed of. “I didn’t really want people to judge me for meeting a guy on Tinder,” Sarah says. Samantha*, a freshman, says she usually lies and tells people that she met her boyfriend of five months at the restaurant he works at. “I love him, but I’m honestly embarrassed to say I met him on Tinder.”
“I was proposed to on a tinder date.”
Amanda*, a sophomore, says that the weirdest date she went on started with a proposal and ended in general weirdness. “I met this guy and we talked for like a day, you know, just messaging and stuff. He seemed genuinely nice, like he was really interested in getting to know me—asking me about myself and finding common ground. I wasn’t really surprised he asked me to get coffee. I accepted his invitation, and we met at Starbucks,” she says. Good move on Amanda’s part because, if this was a catfish, at least there would be witnesses.
She continues, “After introducing each other in person, things started to get weird. He started by telling me I was sexy, which I thought was a little forward, but it definitely just got weirder. Suddenly, he was asking me if I would marry him and have his children. Naturally, I just awkwardly laughed and blew it off. Suddenly, he was concerned with my major, and, upon telling him I was in the arts, he told me I was ‘un-wifeable anyway.’ The already awkward conversation just got worse from there. He got really personal, asking me if I watched porn and getting frustrated when I dodged his questions. In the end, he didn’t even pay for my coffee.”
Word to the wise: If he can’t afford your coffee, it’s totally okay to dodge a proposal on the first date. Now if he bought you a latte…
*Names have been changed.
Our Favorite Real Tinder Pick-Up Lines
“I think that we could meet, fall in love. I’ll ask you to marry me and we would have [two] beautiful kids and a nice house. And one day, we will look back and laugh because it all started over a titty pic. So what do you say?”
“I want to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado.”
“Would you like to go halfsies on a baby?”
“Do you like your eggs fried, scrambled or fertilized?”
“So wait…does this mean we’re dating? Because otherwise, my Facebook relationship status is going to look REAL dumb…”
“I would battle a pack of mountain lions inside of a handicapped stall at a local McDonald’s with my hands tied behind my back and a Shake Weight glued to my forehead as my only weapon to get a chance to share a freshly baked pizza with you over Skype with a dial-up connection.”
