I don’t think the sandstorm can save me now.
Upon walking into the room, you are overcome by the firecracker that is Steve Spurrier’s wife Jerri. Honestly, Jerri Spurrier is probably the cutest human being alive. She is wearing an extremely oversized Carolina football shirt, leggings and a sweatband that only she could pull off. You can only hope the football shirt is Steve’s, because that would make her even more adorable.
You go retrieve your step, dumbbells and mat from the closet, and amidst the crowd of people, you start to pray. Please God, let me get the five-pound weights. I don’t think I can handle any heavier. You come away victorious.
Then it starts; Jerri is transformed before your eyes into a drill sergeant doing exercises out of an ‘80s aerobics video. You’ve got your basic toe touches, and you’re thinking, I can do this; this isn’t that hard. When you start jogging in place, you think that you might have hit the jackpot of workout classes: one that is just hard enough that you don’t mind working out but not hard enough to make you want to die. Boy, are you wrong.
You just start getting the rhythm of running in place while punching the air when Jerri decides to pull the ol’ switcheroo. Yes, she adds in the legs, and suddenly you look like a baby giraffe learning how to walk for the first time. “Pick it up, ladies. Arms over your head,” she says. You will never ever make the mistake of slacking in this class, because you will quickly be reprimanded with, “Make a muscle! Make a muscle!”
You’ve just begun to regret everything you’ve ever eaten in your entire life when “Insanity” starts. It’s a six-set series of misery, including high knees, jumping jacks, push-ups, mountain climbers and a few exercises you’ve blocked from your memory. But it doesn’t stop there. While you’re struggling to breathe, Jerri is jumping around like she is just getting started; an inspiration to us all.
“Get on the step!” The step, you have come to learn, is your worst enemy, something out of stair-stepping hell that you will use in conjunction with those five-pound weights you chose earlier. Five pounds feels like 500 after what you’ve been through, but you’re too embarrassed because Richard Simmons has nothing on Jerri Spurrier, who is making you look like an idiot because you want to rest while she is steppin’ like there’s no tomorrow. The arm sequence, to your surprise, is meant to make you feel like your arms are not a part of your body. Once they’ve fatigued, you get the false sense that you must be incredibly strong. In reality, you’re just incredibly exhausted, but you’ll only find that out when she moves you to the abs sequence.
You’ve got a simple cool down, and suddenly it’s all over. Jerri only gives you a simple, “Good job, ladies. See you next time.” Your body may be saying, “Take a shower, you disgusting person,” but your head is saying, “Is this how Rocky Balboa felt when he reached the top of the steps?” Yes. Yes, it is.
