Spin class is excellent cardio. You can burn enough calories in one class to sneak in a drunk Sonic burger and still feel pretty solid about it. With this glorious news, you should feel optimistic (and maybe even—wait for it—excited) to attend your first class. But fast-forward to the morning of and—well, let’s take a look.
The classic Marimba ringtone goes off at 5:30 a.m. There are only a few possibilities for why this is happening. Either a) You drunkenly set the alarm b) Your roommate set it as a sick joke or c) You’re going to spin class. You trudge over to Strom. This beautiful building is sending you delirious pre-coffee waves of resentment right about now. You put your apparently coded palm on that weird hand reader that has always freaked you out. It takes you an average of three tries to get through. Every. Single. Time. Seriously, are you a special agent entering a top-secret laboratory?
You get on your bike and pretend to be really interested in getting the straps just right. The girl next to you is basically Adonis and stretching in a way that makes you think, I can totally do that. Even though, in fact, you cannot.
“Alright everyone, let’s warm up a little bit,” says your way-too-smiley instructor with perfect abs. By the time you are finished “warming up,” you already feel like you’re going to die. But you blaze past that painful side cramp that’s starting to surface. Mind over matter! Right? (Rookie mistake No. 1: Always listen to your body.)
“Let’s get our heart rates up,” the instructor says. Okay, but yours is already up, and you’re pretty sure if you keep going at this rate, you won’t have any heart rate left.
Just think how great you’ll feel after! You will have sweated out so many toxins, you think to yourself, offering a beyond fake smile to pedal-grinding Adonis and slowly sweating to death.
Perky perfect abs suggests you “turn up the resistance.” I’m sorry, what? Just pretend to turn your knob a few times, and then slow down your legs until it looks like the struggle is real. Fake it until you make it.
You really need some water, but reaching your hand over to that bottle of purified Dasani is one of the most terrifying things you can think of doing right now. Your legs are moving way too fast, and you know indulging in precious nourishment during a structured time of masochism gives the instructor way too much control. (Rookie mistake No. 2: Water is life.)
“Cool down.” The two most beautiful words you’ve heard all morning. As your heart rate slows and your body collapses into a sweaty heap, you realize you just did something that was hard but absolutely worth it. Just make sure you bring a pad for your seat cushion next time. (Rookie mistake No. 3: Have your s—t together at all times.)
